Only Here for a Laugh - Eric’s Titbits – 1976
Eric gets his say
EM: There’s no answer to that. What am I doing here, anyway? My mother warned me not to talk to strangers.
TB: You’re this week’s guest columnist. The editor has given you the freedom of the page to talk about whatever you like. You’ve got carte blanche.
EM: I have? Where is she then? I knew a girl called Blanche once. She was a girl guide. Gave me a guided tour round her tent. I was a boy scout at the time but I had to leave the troop when I lost my woggle. Now there’s a novelty. The scoutmaster ordered me to tie a granny. I told him to get knotted. Ernie Wise was in the same troop. He reckoned he was an outstanding scout because he was full of good intent..
We were invited to appear in Rol Harris’s Gang Show once.
TB: You mean Ralph Reader?
EM: No, it was definitely Rolf Harris. He was waltzing Matilda at the time. I remember him painting her while he played his didgeridoo. Not a pretty sight. I preferred her the colour she was.
Anyway, Ern and I were all set to do our bit in the show but we got our shorts mixed up. Ern lost contact with his short, fat, hairy legs.
I got an Ernia.
TB: This isn’t making sense Eric.
EM: Oh, is it supposed to? I thought you had Lord George-Brown doing the serious stuff. I’m only here for a laugh.
TB: Lord George-Brown writes a regular column about the world at large. The Editor wants you to provide a little light relief.
EM: Have you met Ernie Wise? He’s a little light relief. Ern and I have been together for thirty-five years. I think people are beginning to talk.
People always ask me whether he really does wear a wig. I’m sworn to secrecy, but let’s just say that he keeps Axminister Carpets in business. Without him, they’d be on the floor. We’re busy rehearsing our BBC TV Christmas show at the moment. There was an audience of more than 25 million for last year’s show.
We were really switched on.
It should be a knock-out show this Christmas. Elton John is one of our star guests. He really makes a spectacle of himself. Played football with him once. He pirouetted on his high heeled boots and disappeared up hi yellow-brick road. We found him later at Watford Junction hitching a lift to the third division.
TB: Between you, me and the readers, Eric, do you mean those insults you are
always hurling at Des O’Connor?
EM: Course not sunshine. I think he’s one of the greatest singers in the country. Just struggles when he sings in town, that’s all. Have you heard his latest record? Songs for Deaf Lovers. There’s a Government health warning on every cover.
Actually, Des and I are good friends. I thought he was marvellous on our last Christmas show. But he’s still not paid us.
© Titbits 1976