Getting Wise To Morecambe
1963 Article
Having a laugh
The answer: Morecambe is the one who… er… Well you can tell Wise by his… er… So I sought out Morecambe and Wise and asked them to explain. Here is their report on each other.
Wise talking about the other one:
“He is the tall, thin, specky one. Is an impulsive drinker from a cupped hand (empty). Has gold fillings in his fingernails.”
“He says he is tall and thin because he was raised on a diet of spaghetti as a child. Specky because he can’t see.”
“Eric is keen on Tegestology (beer mat collecting) because he likes pickled ology sandwiches. Describes himself as an ingenius nut. Eric is funny. Funny ha-ha. I’m always laughing at him. It’s a mistake to laugh with him.”
“Like today. We had lunch. Came the bill. They always come don’t they and spoil the meal? Eric said ‘I’ve forgotten my wallet, Ern.’ I laughed. Ha-ha-ha. So did Eric. Ho-ho-ho. SO did the waiter. We ended up in a rolling ball on the floor.”
“Then Eric surfaced and said ‘I have, you know.’ He had. I paid. Twenty five bob plus tips and a bottle of Tibetan Burgundy.”
“Mind you, Eric is younger than me. (For the record: they are both 37 – with six months in it). He’s more irresponsible. Dresses racy. Not a Ted. But casual. Pyjama jackets at dinner. Old socks. Bow ties and football shorts.”
“And eating. Anything new on the menu, he’s in. Clams, yams or human hands. He’s the only man I know who can tie a clove-hitch in spaghetti blindfolded.”
Drinking is the same. Eric will dabble with any odd concoction behind the bar, other than the barmaid. Mint julep to clotted jungle juice – he’s your boy. Music – he likes singers. From Carmen Macre to Screaming Lord Sutch. As long as they make with the vocal chords, Eric goes funny all over.”
“But in other ways he’s conservative. He drives slowly and carefully. (Morecambe owns a Rover and a Triumph Herald). This is because he is frightened that if he goes too fast he will meet himself coming back.”
“Hobbies? Eric likes fishing, cameras and soccer.”
“But he’s a great guy. Great. We’ve worked up a telepathy on stage. He knows what I’m thinking and I know what’s on his mind. He’s fed up and coming over here right now.”
The other one on Wise:
“Ern is the short, roly-poly, desperate one. Has an obsession for Rutland cream – it whips Devonshire – and baked mastodon on toast. Which explains why he is roly-poly.”
“He’s a cricket fanatic: after all, the bar is open ALL DAY. Also a keen tegestologist because he like beer.”
“He’s conservative. Dresses well. Suits with trousers. His legs have feet. Ties worn around the neck, not the waist. He’s got an old school tie. Her name is Daphne, but I promised not to tell…”
“Eats regularly, does Ern. A steady scoffer. Three hot, square meals a day, even if it is only a dog biscuit and a dollop of mustard. Likes steaks and fatty foodsa. Fatty. Yah, fatty. Look at him. He’s plump. That’s the word. Plump. It’s that apple pie and Rutland cream.”
“And have you heard his records? Jazz. That’s it. Jazz. Hundreds of trumpets blasting you out of your seat. He’s got 78’s from the old Benny Goodman days. And Blind Wille Dunn and his Gin Bottle Four.”
“Ern is cricket daft. Daft. You bet he’ll be running around organising a charity cricket match during our summer season at Blackpool. He bats. Which explains his resemblance to Dracula.”
“I bowl, because it keeps me fit. Fit. Yes fit. Ern isn’t fit. He's plump.”
“He drinks beer and wine – and water in them occasionally. A draught bitter man on account of leaving the door open. Give him a cigar and he’s happy. Light it and he’s sick.”
“He drives fastish. (Wise has a Sunbeam Alpine and a Ford Zephyr). But he’s a good driver. It’s only when he gets into a car that I worry.”
© TV Times 1963